The Weight of the Mold I Carried

Weight of Four Generations by Milena Naef

Society dictates a lot about everything. The things we do, what to expect, what to remember, and things to look forward to. I get that most if not all, came from a place of love and worry. But I can't help but feel like these beliefs are the very ones holding us back from living in the present.

"You should be married by this age."

"Have a job by the time you finish school..."

"Are you ever gonna be having a family?"

I can't hear these words, yet I feel a lot of them these days. It's like I'm in a constant race to match just about every expectation I was given. I have peers and younger people looking up to me, after all. Even so, I can't blame them because I conditioned myself to fit the mold. 

Speaking of molds, Milena Naef is a Mexican sculptor and performance artist. I came across her on Reels. Her art was about creating negative spaces for herself to "fit the mold" molded by the weight of four generations. Something that every "success kid" should be very familiar with. It's ironic because she's using the negative spaces in a bid to fit the mold despite not being able to get it right a hundred percent. 

Photo by Pixabay from Pexels

Sounds like somebody who can never get it right but still tries their hardest to do so.

Even if I don't remember my grandparents that much, I still feel the tinge of what they were and how people expected me to be like them in terms of spirit. I know they used to be "cool" and "amazing" back in their day. I, sometimes, can't help but wonder if I'd ever be "as cool as them" in the eyes of my own kids.

Truth be told, I am afraid of what the future might bring. Just last night, my boyfriend and I talked about our wedding plans. I can't help but smile a lot whenever I think about it. Would it be as beautiful as I imagine it would be? The talk of marriage weighs heavy on me, especially with my sisters doing their own planning for my special day. At the same time, I feel comforted by the fact that I have my family looking out for me.

I'm guessing I failed to realize how fortunate I had been before I started writing the introductions for this piece. But I was that girl back then. Someone who carried too many burdens for the sake of family pride. But ever since I learned how to communicate my feelings, I felt like I took this huge step back from everything, and recovering from the high has been a long and unsteady battle.

In my hometown, there's this idea that young people are dumb. It's present in many cultures. From where I come from, adults love to boast about their experiences and how we should listen to them to avoid disappointing ourselves.

Want to get that high grade for next quarter? Don't get into a relationship. Want to be able to go anywhere with your friends to hang out? Don't get into a relationship. Want to be successful like that role model you've been raving about lately? Don't get into a relationship!

Now that I think about it, it's very amusing how most of their "rules" only apply to specific things that never suit their fancy. Even so, I appreciate the time and effort it took for them to keep reminding me to focus on my studies and to think very critically about every major life decision. It helped me become a better thinker: to use my words carefully; to make the best out of a bad situation; and to try to spin things so that they work for all parties... All excluding mine.

As expected, there were a lot of pros and cons especially when it comes to the rules that adults put up in place. But I still chose to do better and sacrificed my happiness. That was me then, and now I don't even know what I'm doing half the time.

Photo by Vlad Chețan from Pexels

But sometimes, I can't help but wonder what kind of person I would've been if I did the opposite of listening. I am happy with what I am now, but I can't help but imagine how different it would've been. I won't lie and say that I have become the best version of what I am, even better. The only difference was that I seldom felt the weight of the mold I was brought into at a very young age. Things are finally looking up for me, and I am in a place where I can be vulnerable and safe with my future husband.

I can't offer much consolation apart from advising younger people, especially pre-teens to consider the words of advice and stories we get from adults around us. While some of them can be unsavory and can illicit bad memories, a better method to learn about them is by learning from their mistakes so you already know how to handle them like an adult would. I would know now because it worked for me.

Look at me. I'm already starting to sound like one.

There are bits and pieces of other people's advice holding me back so it's funny how I have the guts to write about them in the first place. All I know is that I think I did a good job so far, and I want to document them in case I need a little pick me up for when things get rough. This, coming from a place of love... and worrying.